HOW TO HELP THE BEREAVED

1. Don’t worry about what to say.  Just being there shows you care.  Don’t feel you have to have answers. Just be a good listener.

2. Talk about the deceased person – anything you know about them, such as what they said or did.  If you didn’t know the person who died, ask about him/her.  Let the bereaved person know you’re interested in knowing who he/she was.

3. Call often - especially after the first couple of months.  The bereaved person’s energy level may be too low for them to make the effort to reach out even though they may need to talk.

4. Send cards even weeks after the funeral.  They are always helpful and there is a disappointment when they finally stop coming.  Don’t forget their special days;  birthday, wedding anniversary, anniversary of date of death, etc.

5. Visit the bereaved person in their home after the funeral service is over, but stay just a short while. Grievers need some privacy.

6. If you want to do something with or for the bereaved, give him or her an option. Some days they just can’t cope with “something to do”.  Be specific and take the initiative.

7. Don’t avoid the person when you see them for the first time after the funeral.  Go up to them first.

8. Try not to look startled when the bereaved mentions the deceased person.  Let him or her talk about their loved one as much as they need to.

9. Don’t try to get the mind of the griever off of their loved one.  That is impossible for a long time if the relationship was a close one.  Remember that the hardest thing for the bereaved is to see life going on.

10. Don’t make small talk.  Talk about what is uppermost in the griever’s mind.

11. Don’t be uneasy if you cry and the bereaved person doesn’t.  A person can only cry so much.  The hurt is still there.

12. Don’t talk about what the deceased person might have been spared by death.  Those thoughts bring no comfort.

13. Don’t remind the person of what they have left, such as other children.  At the time, all the bereaved person can think of is what he or she has lost.  Deeply grieving people have difficulty looking ahead to the future.

14. Things you could do to be helpful include:  l) grocery shop,  2) lawn work,  3) prepare a hot meal,  4) baby-sit,  5) clean house,  6) make phone calls

15. If the bereaved person has young children, invite them to spend time with your children.  If the children have lost their father, men might consider including them occasionally when they do something with their own kids.  Likewise, women might find the time to spend with children whose mother has died.

16. Don’t assume the deeply bereaved is “over it” in just a few weeks or even months because they are going on with their routine.  Grief takes much longer than most people think and people can pretend to be doing much better than they really are doing.  Share your love, your time and your prayers.