HELPING YOUR GRIEVING FRIENDS OR FAMILY

    MEMBERS GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

DO talk about the person who died.  Grieving individuals feel worse if you don’t.  It makes them feel like others didn’t care about him/her.

DON’T feel you need to “protect” your friends from pain during the holidays by avoiding mentioning their loved one's name.   Believe me, they are thinking about their loved one constantly and need and want to hear your stories and memories.

DON’T put up a tree or decorations in your friend or family member’s home without asking.  They may not want the tree and all the trimmings this year. DO offer to help them decorate.

DON’T expect that they’ll do everything the same as they’ve always done – decorating, sending Christmas cards, baking, etc.  Allow your grieving friend or relative to do only what they can manage this year and that may not be very much.  They may not feel like celebrating.

DO offer to help them with their necessary Christmas shopping this year or offer to take their young children shopping.  Grieving individuals often find it difficult and overwhelming to go to places where holiday cheer is evident and expected.

DO let them know that it’s OK with you if they choose to go away for the holidays this year and not attend the typical holiday family gathering.  For some, this is the way they “get through.” DON’T take it personally.

DO include them on your holiday card list.  In that card mention their loved one and how he or she is missed.  If you have a picture of that person or a special memory, share it.

DO include your bereaved friends in your family gatherings.  Setting extra plates at dinner is a simple thing for you to do and means a lot to the griever.  DON’T assume that others are including them.  Give them the chance to decide if they are up to it or not.

DON’T forget your grieving friend or family member when you’re doing your holiday baking.  They may not feel like baking this year, but would like to have cookies for guests who stop by.

DO call your bereaved friends on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning and tell them you’re thinking of them.  Bereaved individuals, even those surrounded by family, need to know that others care and are thinking of them on special days.

DO give your grieving friend options.  Instead of saying, “Call me if you need me”, say “We can go out to dinner Friday or I’ll make dinner for you.  Which would you prefer?”

DO understand if they choose not to attend Christmas Eve or Christmas Day services this year.  For many of us, the holiday services may represent a time for families to gather to worship and sing Christmas carols.  DO continue to remember them in your prayers now and always.

Written by Cathy Clough, Director of New Hope Center for Grief Support